How to Train Your Dragon: A Guide
by yesimahuman
Summary: The definitive handbook on dragons, how they behave, and how to train them, "How to Train Your Dragon" is, without a doubt, a must-read for prospective dragon owners. Buy before July 8th at Orlick's bookstore and receive a copy signed by the author.
1. Introduction

How to Train Your Dragon

A Guide

Introduction

A dragon is not your ordinary pet.

This guidebook exists because the training of a dragon is a dangerous task. There are, so to speak, "occupational hazards." As the earliest Vikings that landed on Berk discovered, if you screw around with a dragon, the dragon shall screw with you _back._ These are not cute pet sheep. These are giant fire-breathing lizards that will _eat _you if you treat them the wrong way.

A dragon, however, is not your ordinary pet in that it is, perhaps, the most intelligent pet you will ever own. This guidebook also exists because dragons are the _most, _without a doubt, complicated and nuanced creatures mankind has ever encountered. We have learned that if you treat a dragon in a manner not resembling that of a total asshole, dragons tend to respond in kind. If you don't try to kill them, they are, in general, extremely awesome. For example, say that you have a friend with a dog for a pet. You, on the other hand, have a _dragon _for a pet. Not only can you state that your pet can eat your friend's pet, you can also fly circles around your friend, laughing at his considerably lamer pet.

A dragon is not your ordinary pet in a final way as well. If you do not experience love for your dragon, then I can recommend you to a shop three blocks down from the dock. It sells souls, and if you need to follow these instructions, then you obviously have none. The very first dragon rider said that when he looked in a dragon, he saw himself. You will (unless you needed to follow my above instructions, in which case there will _not _be a man waiting with a sharpened axe at the aforementioned soul shop, no, not at all) feel the same.

This guidebook is less about trying not to die when training your dragon (though that is rather important) and more about teaching your dragon, learning from your dragon, how to fly your dragon, how to feed your dragon, and how to treat a dragon with respect and dignity. The rest should come naturally and easily, if it does not, refer to above instructions. You are the one interacting with the dragon, not me. If you can't figure out how to come to understand your dragon, and to love it, well, then, there really is no hope for you. (Except for the above instructions, which, as I will _again _stress, do not involve your immediate demise. At all. I'm serious.)

Training a dragon may pose certain risks (death being one of them), but take it from me, they're worth it. After all, we're Vikings, and to us, anything posing no risk at all can be left for somebody else to do. So have fun training your dragon, and try not to die.

If you manage not to (which should be easy), you're in for the ride of your life.

Review, Please. More chapters coming up.


	2. How to Survive

How to Survive

This should be the easy part.

When training your dragon, there are certain rules that must be followed at all costs. They are as follows:

Rule #1

Do not make any loud, ringing noises, as they anger dragons and instill within dragons an urge to violently destroy anybody stupid enough to make them. Pray to Odin that you were not born with a brain deformed enough to disobey this rule. It will end in your _death_.

Rule #2

Feed your dragon. If you don't understand the need to feed the fire-breathing lizard, then you really do deserve to be eaten.

Rule #3

Do _not_, under any circumstances, point sharp objects at your dragon. Until recently, the Vikings of Berk broke this rule constantly. It was not a good idea, as the threat of impalement frightens a dragon. Self-preservation kicks in. They become angry. You die messily.

Rule #4

If you are meeting your dragon for the first time, and it does not seem to trust you, avoid eye contact. If you look a dragon in the eye while they remain wary of you, it makes them even more distrustful. This will not help matters. There are other ways to ease up around your dragon that do not involve eye contact. Stroking them lightly is one of them. The next rule deals with touching your dragon, and how _not _to do it.

Rule #5

Touch dragons with an open palm, and stroke softly. Anything else will be regarded as aggressive. Reactions to perceived aggressive behavior will vary- if your stroke is a bit too hard, the dragon will shudder slightly, and you will quickly know that you are touching the dragon the wrong way. If you wave a fist at your dragon, it will roar at you. If you maintain the slightest bit of common sense, you will _run away_ if your dragon roars at you.

Rule #6

Unless given explicit permission by your dragon, _never _try to touch a dragon's wings. Not much trust needs to be built for a dragon to allow a human to ride it. A _great deal _of understanding between a human and a dragon will need to be acquired before you even _think _about touching a dragon's wings. If it is _absolutely necessary _that you need to touch a dragon's wings, distract it with a barrel of fish first. If your dragon does not trust you completely, it will think that you are trying to tamper with its wings. It will then proceed to gut you like a fish and eat you for breakfast.

Rule #7

Don't try anything too fancy if you're an inexperienced dragon rider. This will be covered in more detail in later sections, but I'll introduce it briefly here- as previously stated, not too much trust needs to exist for you to fly a dragon, but a _lot _of both trust and skill in both the dragon and the human needs to exist if you want to try corkscrews and loop-the-loops. Fortunately, simple banking and diving is relatively simple, but leave the complicated maneuvers alone for now. It will be both dangerous to you (when you get thrown into the ocean) and your dragon (when you dislocate a wing.) And then it'll be dangerous for you in the end, because dislocating a dragon's wing usually ends in you plummeting to your doom.

Rule #8

Dragons can sometimes exhibit sometimes bizarre urges. It is best advised that you humor these urges. Entertain your dragon- otherwise they grow bored, and if you're unlucky, violent. Fortunately, these random impulses very rarely result in anything significant, but to be on the safe side, play along with your dragon. Nobody so far has been stupid enough to not do so. Many find their dragon's antics to be charming, and play with them willingly. This behavior is a little like a puppy's- except that it isn't a puppy, it's a dragon, and that small whimper of rejection your hear from a puppy when you refuse to entertain it is considerably magnified when applied to a dragon.

Most of the above rules are common sense. Those who break these rules usually were either a. mentally damaged, b. generally peevish and annoying enough to somehow _want _to irritate the dragon, or c. both of the above. They were not missed, and the dragons were given a glass of water to wash these people down.

Please, make it so that you are in the category of people smart enough to know _not _to anger the fire-breathing lizards before attempting to own one. I know that it is part of the human nature to be "generally peevish and annoying." Go ahead, be generally peevish and annoying to your friends who _cannot _eat you. If you want to be a jerk, _do so to something that is not a dragon_. Bully a dragon is a bad, bad idea. As I will again stress, anybody in the category of people _stupid _enough not to know this should _not _own a dragon.

Though I will admit, it does make for a rather nice example of Darwinism at work.

Review, Please


	3. How to Feed Your Dragon

How to Feed Your Dragon

Look, I'm not going to advocate homicide by saying that it's alright for you to sic your dragon on anybody you don't like. The crunch of bones as that jerk who hit your little sister, kicked your dog, and spit on your axe dies painfully will _not _be incredibly satisfying, oh no. And I know that the above statement is true personally because I did _not _let my Night Fury eat that guy next door who had also insulted my writing, in addition to the aforementioned offenses, no sir, not at all.

And I'm totally not going to support the following position: If you can get away with it, nobody sees you, you hide the corpse (or remains, or, like, leftover bones) well, and the person had it coming, go ahead. Berk could use one less testosterone-poisoned meathead running around.

Now, I'm going to be serious in _this matter_- if you use your dragon as a weapon, you will not only regret challenging the Vikings of Berk, you will also come to know what happens when you twist a creature that has no inherent urge to eat humans into a monster. Dragons have the potential to be living weapons of mass destruction, but they really _don't want to be _living weapons of mass destruction. The consumption of humans is rare, and it only happens to people who didn't follow the rules of the previous chapter. So far, nobody has been stupid enough to try and conquer the world using dragons, but seeing as we're humans, and I'm being pessimistic, it's bound to happen someday. I'm just putting it out there that when it does- and it sure as hell better not be one of my readers- that guy is going to pay.

That being said, I can move onto the aspect of feeding your dragon that does _not _involve other people. Dragons have different tastes. A Night Fury tends to like fish, while a Monstrous Nightmare prefers sheep. Sometimes, tastes can differ within the same species- one head of a Zipperback might love tuna and hate shrimp, the other head might adore shrimp and detest tuna. It will take some time for you to determine exactly what your dragon's preferences are, but to start out, you'll be fine with feeding your dragon fish. Dragons are not allergic to many things, seeing as their method for solving most problems is usually the digestion of said problem. Dragons have faced many problems over their continued existence, and being allergic to any of them would pose a rather major issue to their survival.

Down by the docks, there are some very reputable dragon food shops that sell sacks of fish and other necessities for a dragon owner. Feeding a dragon is not very complicated work. All you need to do is throw a sack of fish in front of them three times a day. If they do not want their food now, they will drag it off into a den or similar hiding place (they make the dens quickly and in unexpected places) and eat it later. Dragons appreciate variety, and you can treat them with a sheep or a cow from time to time. Bags of fish usually sell for about ten coins, buying a cow from the local farmer will cost quite a bit more.

Dragons are very good hunters, what with the whole razor-sharp teeth and fire-breathing lizard deal they have going on. Left to their own devices, they will hunt and kill local livestock, which tends to upset farmers. I really shouldn't have to explain what happens when you don't feed them and you also retrain them. Hint: It involves your spleen. Specifically, your spleen no longer being inside your body.

Overfeeding your dragon isn't usually that much of a problem. If they're already full, they simply won't eat any more. Discovering your dragon's likes and dislikes in food is also a simple task. If they don't like it, or they don't want it, they will spit it out. The problem comes into play when a dragon projectile vomits something that's on fire. If you hear a gurgling noise coming from their throat, _dive for cover._ After you put out whatever fires may have been started, you can attain a better understanding of your dragon's tastes from whatever it was you fed them that caused them to regurgitate it.

A well-fed dragon is a happy dragon. The Green Death's song implanted a basic pleasure response in dragons. Upon acquiring food, dragons become very happy. Most theorize that this is because, once a dragon snatches up a sheep or a fish, it meant that the Green Death would have a meal. The pleasure response would serve as an incentive for dragons to keep feeding the Green Death. However, now that the Green Death is dead, they have a pretty strong pleasure response that doesn't serve much of a purpose. Owners will find that a dragon will exhibit playful behavior after being fed. This includes rolling around in the grass, begging to be tickled under the chin, and occasionally incinerating passing birds.

Seagulls have since learned to steer clear of Berk.

Dragons need no supervising when being fed; they're not going to go anywhere when there's still food. You may accidentally stumble upon their food storage den hole ditch thing (look, I really don't know what to call it), in which case it is pretty strongly advised that you not touch any of their food (unless they give some to you, in which case it is equally strongly advised that you entertain your dragon.) Dens are usually very clean, especially if the den belongs to a Natter- dragons, apparently, are pretty enthusiastic about personal hygiene (_especially _the Natter), and will bury waste bones or dispose of them in the ocean. They just haven't grasped the concept of "cooking your meat" or the Germ theory, so expect many offerings of raw food. Nobody has figured out if this is used in Dragon mating rituals, or if it is just a sign of affection (or both.)

We're still on the easy part. Staying alive? Piece of cake. Feeding your dragon? If you're not broke, it's simple. Dragons, being (can I stress this enough?) very intelligent, can take care of themselves. You just need to supply them with their food, and they clean up after themselves. This also includes their "waste." I'm not joking. This is the only pet in the world where you don't have to carry around a bag or litter box. It's just another little perk of having a dragon, and another thing you can taunt your dog-owning friend about. And it just so happens to be that an entire section of pet books- that of cleaning poop and disposing of poop- I don't have to cover.

If there's one cardinal rule about feeding your dragon, it is as follows- a hungry dragon is an unhappy dragon is a _bad thing_. A fed dragon is a happy dragon is a _good _thing.

Comprende?

Review, please. If it's bad, say so.


	4. How to Wash Your Dragon

How to Wash Your Dragon

Remember the easy part? Right, you can kiss that goodbye.

It's not like dragons don't like water. Wild dragons frequently dive into the water to catch fish. However, the fact of the matter is that dragons, for some reason or another, have an extreme dislike of bathing. Many believe that this is because bathing is a combination of two different activities that dragons _hate-_ staying still and being scrubbed.

Before we even start on how you're going to bathe your dragon, first, I have to stress _where _you bathe your dragon. Take the length of your dragon, add about five feet to that number, and make sure that there are _no _valuables within a circle with a radius of the number you come up with. If their tail lashes out during a bath and hits one of your valuables, unless your valuable item is very sturdy, it's broken.

As for water, you'll probably need several buckets of it. A rag of some sort will do for the actual washing. Perhaps the most difficult part of washing a dragon is trying not to violate one of the rules of "How to Survive." Remember when I told you that you were only supposed to lightly stroke a dragon? Well, it's pretty much unavoidable that you will have to scrub vigorously. As such, make sure that your dragon is comfortable when you are washing it. You will probably be able to tell the difference between "mild annoyance," in which case it is probably alright for you to wash the dragon (especially if you throw in some fish afterwards) and "extreme discomfort," in which case you had best _stop_.

If I were to gauge the amount of trust (it's a recurring theme. Get used to hearing the word "trust" a lot) needed between a dragon and a human in order for you to become able to wash your dragon without it exhibiting any major signs of annoyance, I would put it slightly above the amount needed for flying and definitely below the amount needed for flying _tricks_. Don't worry, washing your dragon isn't _that _hard. However, it will be some time before your dragon stops squirming around in annoyance and starts squirming around because it views the whole ordeal as a very elaborate game. One hard part about washing your dragon is making sure they don't destroy anything too big, the other is trying to construct the whole activity so that it becomes enjoyable.

If you think about it, it shouldn't be that hard. To a playful dragon, many things can seem like games. Their beloved human rubbing them over with a wet towel can be fun. You just have to make it fun. I'm not going to try and give you any advice on this matter. If I told you to smile, this is how it would probably go:

_ Timmy the Viking put down the book "How to Train Your Dragon." He had just read the section on how he would wash his dragon, and it really emphasized how you should _smile _when washing your dragon, to make it fun for both of you!_

_ When Timmy the Viking smiled, it seriously freaked the dragon out, causing it to swipe its tail in a panic and destroy Timmy's home. _

A destroyed house is not good. Only you know what your dragon likes and dislikes. I'm not psychic, if I was, that would be really awesome, but I'm not, so you're on your own. (Damn, that was a lot of commas.)

However, I _do _know what happens when you wash a _happy _dragon: as opposed to thrashing around aimlessly, growling deeply, and generally giving off an irritated air, a happy dragon will playfully slap you, and make a sound more similar to purring than growling.

There's a very fine line that I don't want to cross when giving these instructions. I tell people that they have to "have a good time," and then they go completely overboard and they _don't _have a good time. There are, I admit, people that are incapable of having a good time. Remember that runes teacher that was obviously trying very hard to make his class remotely entertaining, and then failed miserably? Remember the other one who didn't try at all, and the class was actually fun? If you're at all like the former group, then you _should not _own a dragon.

Moving on to the more technical details, the main reason people usually wash their dragons is because they're dirty, not smelly. When hunting, dirt can lodge in between their scales. In the wild, dragons usually took a bath whenever they dived for fish to clean out their scales. Needless to say, dragons don't dive for fish as much when they've been assimilated by human society, so they don't bathe as much. We do it for them.

So have fun, try to make it so that your dragon doesn't demolish anything too important, and think about this: though you may have to _wash _your dragon, you're the one who can _fly _on it too.

Review, Please.


	5. How to Play With Your Dragon

How to Play With Your Dragon

As I have previously stated, the best rule to having a good time with your dragon is this: there are no rules, except for the ones listed in "How to Survive." Surviving is good.

That being said, this chapter is less about _how _to play with your dragon, but what to expect from your dragon. Armed with the knowledge of how a typical dragon usually behaves, you, armed with _additional _knowledge of your dragon's personality, should be able to achieve a comprehensive picture of how your dragon will act and how to best entertain it.

Note the use of the words "typical" and "usually" in the previous chapter. This is not how a dragon _will _act. This is how a dragon _might _act.

Dragons, for some reason or another, like to draw. Being the most intelligent animals, besides humans, that we know of, dragons will behave in a manner that will greatly resemble that of humans. I, for one, think that the only reason they're not building villages is because we have thumbs, and they don't. However, dragons don't need thumbs to draw. Many use their mouths to hold onto sticks, and draw on the ground. These drawings often times resemble humans, or a human's face. When the drawings _don't _remind you of something, they are always symbolic of something you just haven't thought of yet. Minimal experimentation will usually determine what it means, however. Don't step on their drawings, or do something that would likewise tamper with it or destroy it- it usually angers them. Just appreciate the gesture, and throw your dragon a fish.

Another method by which dragons often communicate a playful mood is the regurgitation of fish. This happens when their meal tastes disgusting, or they want to share their food with you. You will be able to tell the difference- in the former situation, the dragon will be considerably less happy than it will be in the latter. When they regurgitate a fish head, and, at the same time, don't seem incredibly disgusted, they are giving it to you as a gift. I hope your taste for raw fish coated in dragon saliva develops quickly. Don't try hiding it, it never works. I know this from _personal _experience.

Dragons wrestle as well. Many have observed dragon infants tackling each other to the ground and rolling around for a bit before rising again and continuing on with their day. Dragons seem to have adopted this sort of attitude towards humans as well- namely, the "it's a friend, so I can tackle it" attitude. This does not work so well when your dragon is twice your size. Dragons usually possess enough common sense so as to not tackle you hard enough to break every single bone in your body, but expect bruises. There are two ways to deal with the bruises- suck it up, or get fast enough to dodge your dragon. When your dragon has already tackled you, feel free to play right along with your dragon in some bizarre wrestling match.

One of the stranger ways a dragon fools around is the singing. While it may not seem like singing to you, I would not be surprised at all if a dragon found _your _"singing" in the shower any better. Whenever a dragon makes deep, wailing noises that rise in pitch and tone, it's singing. Dragons have been known to sing as part of their mating rituals, and, apparently, after bonding with humans, they sing to you. When they do so, show your appreciation.

There are probably many other ways a dragon likes to have fun, many of which are probably unique to your own dragon. I don't know; I have my own dragon, and he _really _likes to arrange our axes into triangles. I have not met a single other dragon who does this. Your dragon is likewise unique. As I have already said, the above list is simply a list of _trends_.

So go ahead, and have some fun.

Review, please.


	6. The Birds and the Bees

The Birds and the Bees

Hoo boy.

Before I even _begin,_ if you don't know the meaning of the title of this section, then you are not old enough to own a dragon. If you cannot comprehend the title, do not ask your parents to enlighten you, as they will simply sputter and turn red. Just put this book down, and wait a couple years. You will be older and wiser, and you will understand the title.

Now, for my readers who _are _old enough to read this section, one of the first little bits of information you will want to know about your dragon is its sex. This will be difficult to determine, as dragons possess no external indication (look, I'm _really _trying _very _hard not to use certain words) of their gender. You will be able to guess at their gender from their behavior- male dragons are far more aggressive than female dragons, but you still won't be able to definitively determine your dragon's gender if they haven't matured yet. When they _do_ mature, changes happen. That is a bit of an understatement.

The mating system of dragons is very similar to that of humans. Dragons hit puberty at around age fifteen. Sometimes, it starts a couple years earlier or later. When it does, your dragon will grow- a lot. They will become stronger, be able to fly farther, faster, and longer, and breathe hotter fire. Finally, they will exhibit an urge to mate with dragons of the opposite gender. This will manifest itself in otherwise irrational behavior-

Screw this, your dragon will become horny.

Once they enter puberty, female dragons, just like all other animals, and just like humans, undergo a monthly cycle. They will become very, very moody once a month. How moody depends on the dragon, but, if you're smart, you won't aggravate them during this period.

When your dragon tries to attract another dragon's attention in a manner that is _clearly _sexual, the initiator is, nine times out of ten, the male. The dragon that is the subject of the other dragon's affection is the female. The female may or may not respond, but if she does, I wouldn't expect the ensuing relationship to last long. Dragons, unlike other animals, do not jump straight to sex immediately after forming their first relationship. This is more like two thirteen year olds dating- if they were having sex, something is dreadfully wrong.

Dragons court each other through a variety of methods. As previously mentioned, singing is one method. They also give gifts, arrange objects into geometric shapes in order to impress their prospective partners, and, of course, display their strength by doing aerial tricks. With the integration of dragons into human society, if you are a skilled rider, you are doing your dragon a favor. Finally- and nobody knows if this is actual communication, or simply a random, unintelligent display of affection- a dragon will follow another dragon around, making noises they vary in tone, length, and rhythm. This may very well be dragon-speech, however, nobody knows if it is. Dragons, when facing a hostile dragon, have only been reported to growl menacingly, and not make the sounds listed above.

After many (or possibly few) fumbles regarding their romantic life, your dragon will eventually settle down with a partner. You will accompany your dragon down the path of puberty, and perhaps be able to even guide it along, seeing as you may have already gone through the utter confusion that is puberty, and if you and your dragon are around the same age, you will have begun two years prior to your dragon. In any case, I wish both of you good luck.

When your dragon _does _settle down into a relationship, you will notice immediate changes. Become used to him/her spending a _lot _of time with his partner. Dragons mate for life, and they are _very _protective of their mates. And, eventually, there will be baby dragons.

I'm not going to go over handling an infant dragon in this chapter, but trust me, most of it boils down to this- leave your dragon to tend to its baby, and everything will be fine.

Finally, if you walk in on your dragon in the act of intercourse, it will be shocking, to say the least. Just leave, and pretend it never happened.

Review, please.


	7. How Not to Cause Massive Property Damage

How Not to Cause Massive Property Damage When Training Your Dragon

"How to Survive" was the easy part. That's why it was in the beginning of the book. This, however- this is hard.

If you possess a modicum of common sense, you will stay alive while training your dragon. However, even if you follow all of the rules in "How to Survive," your house still might burn to the ground. This chapter hopes to remedy that.

Clearly, the most obvious method by which your house will cease to exist is _fire_. Namely, fire emitted in copious amounts by your dragon. To begin, let's classify the two types of dragon fire.

The first and most common type of dragon fire is the simple stream. A dragon releases flammable gas from its abdomen in a steady flow, and then ignites the gas with its mouth. The result is a river of fire that will burn anything in its path. There is a reason the old dragon handbook had all those "extremely dangerous, kill on sight" warnings- because it is a very painful way to die, torched by a living flamethrower.

The second type of dragon fire is less common than the first. Dragons such as the Gronckle and the Night Fury employ the burst. Instead of the stream of gas produced by the first method of violent defoliation, _this _blasphemy to all living plants is activated by a short, concentrated burst of gas produced by the dragon. The gas is ignited, a fireball is produced, and Smokey the Bear weeps.

Wait a minute, who the hell is Smokey the Bear?

And what's a flamethrower?

I've never heard of _either _of those, here in Berk.

Um, moving on to the third and final type of dragon fire, we have "miscellaneous." I know, it's not really a category, but I have to place all the other ways a dragon can cremate you somewhere. Dragons who do not use the burst or the stream are rare. One example is the Abhorrent Drummle, which spits out a globule of slime that will stick to anything it touches and then explode, or the Horrendous Wopsle, which produces a hollow tube of flames.

So, what with all the ways a dragon can put your property insurance to good use, how can you prevent a fire? While I previously stated that you'll need more that common sense to do so, it certainly doesn't hurt to actually _have _common sense. When you anger your dragon, do not be surprised if it breathes fire. Not provoking your dragon will allow you to keep your house _and _your life. However, there are more complicated measures that need to be taken.

If you're a good dragon owner, you'll take your dragon on daily walks and/or flights. The concept of "indoors" is something that's new to dragons, so, thankfully, they won't spend that much time in your house. Unfortunately, they are also still just beginning to grasp the concept that settlements are _not _to be put to flames upon sight. Common sense has prevented them from torching Berk the minute they sent foot in it with the intention of _not _killing us all, but sometimes they lose control.

Firstly, if you have a dragon that utilizes the stream method, you are at a much higher risk than if you owned a dragon that used the burst method. It's not that a stream burns better than a burst, it's just that a stream dragon has an innate urge to burn down obstacles. Stream dragons use brute force to burn their way through anything. They do not care for accuracy, as they can just wave their heads from side to side to incinerate everything in their path. Burst dragons, however, have to be extremely accurate. A shot limit, coupled with the nature of their fire, has forced them to be agile and precise. They do _not _use brute force, and therefore do not burn down your house as often.

If you have a dragon that uses stream fire, you must make it _extremely clear _that certain obstacles are _not _to be removed by just burning it to hell. If, for example, the door to your bathroom has been jammed, you must teach your Nadder or Monstrous Nightmare that the appropriate solution is to _call the locksmith,_ as opposed to _burn the door._

Furthermore, sections of your house need to be cordoned off against your dragon. It shouldn't be overly concerned by you restricting access to areas of your house, as it won't be spending that much time in your house anyways. These portions of your house are to remain dragon free for a variety of reasons. If it's _especially _flammable-if, per say, straw is stored in that particular room, or if valuables are kept within the room, keep dragons out. If your dragon torches your house, at least you'll be able to grab that precious axe before diving out a window.

Keep lots of water at hand, at all times. If you can control the fire, try to do so. If it seems to be a hopeless situation, make like our ancestors when they were faced with a burning building and _run like hell._

Finally, coat as much of your house as you can in dragonwax. Dragonwax is fireproof, and can be scraped off the scales of dead dragons. In the wild, dragons have been observed to collect dragonwax off of dead dragons, for reasons unknown. Nobody has tried to collect dragonwax from a live dragon, for obvious reasons. Dragonwax is expensive, and the supply is low, so you definitely won't be able to make your entire home fireproof. However, it would be prudent for you to coat strategic sections of your home with the substance. Coat sections that will seem to your dragon to be an "obstacle," like a door, a cabinet, or a window

Fires caused by dragons are few and far between. Unlike dragon related _deaths, _these fires are not the result of mental deficiencies, but rather a combination of unluckiness and poor preparation. If, after training your dragon and preparing your house, a fire _does _start, you still will have plenty of water available to put out the fire.

Good luck, and if your house burns down, my heart goes out to you.

Review, please.


	8. How to Keep Your Dragon Healthy

A/N: Open to suggestions for titles. If you leave one in a review, make sure that you actually review as well.

How to Keep Your Dragon Healthy

Fortunately, this should not be too difficult to do. Dragons are naturally very hardy creatures, as they are fire-breathing lizards, and are often too busy abducting sheep and terrorizing Vikings to be sick very often.

However, there are some diseases that dragons are subject to. Most of them are minor, and all of these minor diseases can be treated easily. Dragons live to eighty to a hundred years old on average, a couple decades more than us. The diseases that end a dragon's life, we have no idea how to cure. Those that are more minor, however, have been extensively researched, and we have a pretty good idea of how to provide a cure. The following is a list of diseases that you will find yourself dealing with very often. I list these diseases here so that you will have easy reference, and will know what to expect. If you're seeing a disease that seems entirely new, _find a doctor_, and _fast._

One of the most common diseases that afflicts a dragon is "throatburn." Throatburn causes the ambient gases always present in a dragon's breath to burn its throat. Nobody knows _why _this happens, but we have figured out that it _does _happen, and with a _lot _of experimentation (you have no idea _how _many of the potions my dragon just spat back up) and _much _effort on the part of the researchers (thank me, you sorry bastards), we (_I _was the one! It was _I!_) have developed a potion, to be ingested, that treats throatburn. It is very easy to determine if your dragon has throatburn- the symptoms include your dragon being _very irritable_, as they are in _extreme pain_. Their throat is being burned by their own breath. You know that feeling when you throw up, and your throat feels like it's on fire? Imagine that, except now you feel it constantly. And imagine that you're a _fire breathing lizard, _and you can destroy anything you want to vent your anger. Needless to say, it is for the best if you give your dragon a wide berth when they have throatburn. If you honestly can't tell whether or not the howls of discomfort made by your dragon are the result of throatburn, have it open its mouth. If it has throatburn, the throat will be really, really red, and extremely inflamed.

A second disease that you will probably encounter at least once is scale rot. This illness does not affect the dragon's health very much, it only causes a dragon's scales to lose luster, and fall off. I pray for you if you have a Nadder that has been subject to scale rot, in which case you will be dealing with a _very _unhappy dragon. You can collect fallen scales to sell to a pharmacy- ground dragon scales have many uses. At the same pharmacy, you can also probably obtain some ointments (it was easier than finding the throatburn treatment, but still, my dragon does _not _enjoy having random substances rubbed across his body) to prevent and slow the decay of any more scales.

It is rather satisfying to know that the mighty dragon, mystical and divine, suffers through the same things that I do. I almost laughed when I first heard my dragon sneeze. I really began to laugh when I appreciated how ironic it was that something that _breathed fire _had a fever. Yes, dragons are subject to the flu. Just like humans, the best way for a dragon to recover from the flu is simply lots of water, and lots of rest. Don't have your dragon move around too much, and if need be, _physically restrain _it from flying. If they are sick, flying will tire them out to a ridiculous degree. They will return so wasted that it will make your graduation party seem like some toddlers having a tea party. I'm not joking, I remember coming back home from my party and crashing into a doorframe _once _before stumbling into my bed (I might have thrown up, I don't remember), and promptly passing out. My dragon somehow managed to destroy half my house. _Do not let a sick dragon fly_.

The above three diseases are the most common, and if you're lucky, you might not even have to deal with them. As a closing note, being sick tends to irritate dragons, and we all know what not to do with an irritated dragon, and that's to irritate them further. Staying alive is nice.

Review, please.


	9. How to House Your Dragon

How to House Your Dragon

As stated in "How Not to Cause Massive Property Damage," your dragon should be spending as little time as possible in your house. Dragons don't exactly enjoy being kept indoors. Having an open sky over their head makes them happy. However, having a cloudy sky that is about to rain does not. Dragons usually dealt with rain by hiding under trees, but we don't have a forest in the middle of our village, so that won't work out so well. Human dwelling places were never meant to house a fire-breathing lizard. There is one solution: you, my friend, will have to build a dragon-house.

Dragon-houses need not be overly elaborate, as your dragon should probably only be sleeping in it. The house shouldn't be too far away from your own house, and you can even build the house as a smaller extension to your own. The materials needed for the house's construction are easy to obtain- you can grab an axe, chop down some trees, and start building. You can obtain nails and the like from Gobber, the blacksmith.

Your dragon should only be inside the dragon-house when it's raining. If it's not raining, your dragon can sleep on your roof, or hang from a tree. For emphasis, dragons _do not enjoy _staying indoors, so you want to minimize the amount of time your dragon spend in its house.

As mentioned in the previous chapter, you may want to coat this house in dragonwax, especially because your dragon will be spending much more time in this house than your actual house. It would be bad if your dragon burned its own house down. The entrance to your dragon-house should be _much _bigger than the dragon itself, as you never know when a dragon might feel the urge to stretch its tail by flicking it around. You should construct the house as if it was a bunker- built to last, even though it probably won't. Your dragon will, in all likelihood, utterly destroy its house at least once. They are not very accustomed to living indoors, and have always seen trees, and anything made from trees, as "obstacles" to their flight.

However, while the dragon-house still stands, there are many things that you can do to make your dragon's stay comfortable. When your dragon is sleeping inside your dragon house, toss an ice bucket of fish in with it. They will appreciate a midnight snack greatly, and will thank you for it in the morning. Besides fish, you can also throw in other things to please your dragon. They _really _like grass, so you can toss in a couple handfuls. Dragons don't really need or enjoy padding. They are too busy making other dragons the size of hills explode to worry about the fact that their bed is a little cold and hard. They tend to suck it up rather quickly, and can fall asleep on pretty much any surface. Your dragon is liable to become bored during the night, so you may consider giving it something to entertain itself with, such as a ball of twine. Dragons usually ward off boredom by taking flight, but they don't enjoy flying in the rain, unless it is necessary. If the rain stops during the night, and your dragon wakes up, it _might _take flight through the most direct route possible- through the roof the dragon-house. If they are sufficiently entertained by whatever it is you gave them, this might not happen. If you're unlucky, excitement overcomes them and you have to rebuild the dragon-house.

However, dragons usually take the most effective cure for boredom for themselves, and they do so without warning. You may find yourself being abducted by your dragon. If you're lucky, they do it before you go to bed, and if you're unlucky, they do it in the middle of the night. Refer to "How to Play With Your Dragon" for more details. Your dragon will _ensure _that you are awake very quickly, as it would not do if it had to play with a human that was only half-asleep. While it will also probably be very entertaining for _you, _you will wake up completely disoriented and confused, seeing as you have spent half the night playing with a fire-breathing reptile, and will have just woken up in a small wooden house with said fire breathing reptile. It tends to confuse.

Do not attempt any tasks requiring concentration after waking up, as you will only anger your chieftain of a father when you accidentally break the heirloom axe. Your ears will sting.

Review, please.


	10. How to Determine Where Your Dragon Is

How to Determine Where Your Dragon Is

Dragons, as I have said many, many times, are incredibly intelligent. When you wake up, and cannot find your dragon, do not fear, as there is both a good reason for your dragon to be gone, and no reason to be worried, as your dragon will return shortly. Common sense applies if your dragon is missing for an extended period of time- call for help.

However, in the circumstance that you wish to know, for whatever reason, where your dragon is, consult this chapter. I hope it's just curiosity, and that you're not stalking your dragon. That would almost be as creepy as falling in love with a blue humanoid cat person.

Your dragon will, most likely, be up in the air. They like to fly, both for enjoyment and for practice. Needless to say, dragons need to stay in shape. If they are flying for leisure, you have no hope of finding them until they decide to return. Good luck searching the skies of Berk for the entire day, only to return home and discover that your dragon had came back home hours ago.

Another possibility is that your dragon has stopped by one of the numerous dragon hives that have popped up in Berk since the dragon's assimilation. We honestly have no idea what the hives do, though many of them seem to be structured similarly to the great hive that housed the Green Death. Many think that the hives serve as a social gathering spot, but we don't really know. If you like, you can have your dragon take you to a hive, but good luck trying to comprehend whatever goes on in it. I, for one, think that the village of Berk itself seems like an incomprehensible hive to the dragons as well.

A third possibility is that your dragon, for reasons similar to those that dragons maintain for recreational flying, has gone hunting for fish or wild animals. This can be rather dangerous, as dragons have not yet discerned between "wild animal" or "livestock." Most farmers are intelligent enough to keep their sheep well away from the dragons, and pretty much all of the dragons are smart enough not to hunt livestock. They maintain that a sheep is exactly the same as a deer, as they are both edible and tasty, but they know that they should not hunt sheep, as it, for some reason, angers the humans. If they are hungry, however, they usually decide that one angered human is worth a meal.

In relation to "The Birds and the Bees," your dragon might be courting another dragon. If the dragon that your dragon is attempting to seduce has an owner, you might be able to determine where they are. It is not recommended that you interrupt them, as it both angers the dragons, and may present to you certain images that will take considerable amounts of Brain Bleach to erase.

Again, you should not worry too much if your dragon disappears suddenly. They behave like other animals in that regard- not overly attached to their humans, yet still retaining enough attachment to keep returning. You can draw a parallel between a dragon and a cat, in that both of them spontaneously vanish at times- but then again, a dragon is infinitely cooler than a cat, as it breathes fire and eats cats for breakfast.

Finally, as a closing note, dragons _always _appreciate a "welcome back" fish. Expression of their gratitude is not unlike that of a dog's, as you will find yourself drowning in dragon saliva. However, the parallel between dogs and dragons _also _ends at this point for the previously stated reasons- the badass version of a dog is the German Shepherd, which can bark loudly and maul you. The badass version of the dragon is the Green Death, which is the size of a hill and eats other dragons for lunch. The wimpy version of a dog is the Chihuahua, which is small and annoying, and the wimpy version of the dragon is the Terrible Terror, which is small, annoying, and can kill you. The winner should be clear. Perhaps that is part of the reason why many dragon owners express no irritation when they discover their dragon's disappearance- most of them feel lucky enough to look at the magnificent creatures without being killed, let alone play with them, or ride on them. Quite understandably, they count their blessings.

Review, please. I kinda copped out on this one, and I'm delaying the inevitable flying chapter for as long as possible.


	11. How to Constrcut a Saddle

How to Construct a Saddle

Vikings tend to do things spontaneously and carelessly. They do not enjoy putting too much thought into their actions, as it distracts them from the all-important task of doing everything in a manner that is positively poisoned with testosterone. I am obliged to write this chapter because of the aforementioned statement. You will probably attempt flight within twenty-four hours after meeting your dragon, and if you are of the male sex, I expect five hours or less. You will not be prepared in the slightest. Before I even begin talking about how not to be thrown into the ocean, I will have to make sure you don't rub your thighs raw within thirty minutes.

Let me make this clear- dragon scales are _tough_. They act as armor for dragons, and they are most definitely _not _your silk comfort blanket. Flight involves you shifting around on your dragon constantly, and your thighs will come in constant contact with dragon scales. You are essentially rubbing the flesh of your thighs against rough armor that acts as _chainmail._ If you are not wearing a saddle, it will _hurt_. If you do it too much, your thighs will begin to bleed, and it will be a bloody, godawful mess.

A saddle for your dragon should be made of leather, which you can buy for not too much money. If you are a productive person, and you have better things to do than make a saddle, you can always come to _me _to make it for you- at a small fee, of course. If you must insist on not supporting a man who must put food on the table for his wife and kids, then fine, go ahead, build one yourself. If your dragon is still in its adolescence, you will want to make the saddle with straps, as your dragon will grow _quickly_. You can use the straps to adjust the size of your saddle as your dragon grows.

The piece of leather looping around the dragon should be very thick and pulled tight, in order to ensure that it _does not fall off._ I myself have experienced _firsthand _what happens when your saddle is loose. When you are flying in the air, a fall off of your mount is considerably less pleasant than when you are riding a horse, for example.

The rest of a saddle's construction is mostly freeform. One disadvantage of just having somebody make a saddle for you, and only providing the maker with the measurements of your dragon- though _certainly _not reason enough to support good old-fashioned Berk capitalism- is that you will not be able to customize. Some people prefer to fly almost as if they are lying down on their dragon- their saddles are customized to best accommodate such a flying style. Some people are clever, and modify their saddle such that they can dismount by grabbing onto a rope or some similar contraption, and swing off their dragon. Not only does this tell everybody who witnesses such an act of badassery that you are good enough with craftsmanship to modify your saddle in this way, it is also, well, an act of badassery. I mean, you _swing like Tarzan off the fire breathing dragon while said dragon is still in the air_. There should be a law requiring you to pose after doing that. Though, of course, I only know one Viking in Berk that had so much Viking blood in her that she _strapped her axe _to the saddle. Not only is it a credit to the bond between her and her dragon that her Nadder would allow her to even _bring _a sharp object close to it, let alone _strap _it to its back, it is also very scary to watch a Viking on a fire breathing flying reptile waving an axe around. There haven't been that many rival Viking invasions since a couple years ago. Word got around, I guess.

After you have finished constructing and customizing your saddle, experiment with it. If it doesn't fit, then modify it. If you make your own saddle, expect there to be several drafts that will prove to be too loose, or too tight, or just not right. I had dozens of these drafts lying around my workshop.

Finally, when you are finished, and you finally have your own finalized saddle, you may feel proud. This pride is completely unjustified, as you have done _nothing _with your saddle. No, you may only feel proud once you take to the skies. Until then, it's just a piece of leather. I will teach you how to put this piece of leather to good use later on.

Review, please. Obviously, the next chapter is about flying.


	12. How to Fly: Part 1

How to Fly

Part 1

Basic Flight

Now that you have constructed a saddle, strapped it around your dragon, and mounted your dragon, you are ready to take flight. Unlike the multitude of rules that you must follow when dealing with dragons in order to ensure your continued existence, there are only two rules concerning flight, they are golden ones: _hold on tight_ and _slow down._

Your dragon will initiate flight by running, fast. This is the part where "hold on tight" becomes very useful. Flight is _not _recommended for the faint of heart, though this is Berk, and I'm not so sure any Vikings here are "faint of heart." The species of dragon you own determines how long the acceleration will be. A Zippleback might take five strides, whereas a Night Fury doesn't even have to run at all, as they are capable of vertical takeoff. Regardless of the duration of running, it will be a bumpy ride. After your dragon takes to the skies, which it will do by jumping, the ride will smooth out a bit.

After your dragon has left the ground, it will spend some more time gaining altitude. Do not attempt to steer at this point, as it is likely that you will run your dragon into the ground, in which case neither you nor your dragon will be very happy. Wait until your dragon's head becomes about level with its tail, and then you can begin to steer.

Steering is simple. Shift the weight of your body to the side you want your dragon to turn to, and your dragon will respond by- gasp- banking towards that side. Sometimes, your dragon will turn without you telling it to do so- if you don't react to an obstacle, your dragon certainly won't slam into it if you don't steer out of the way. Dragons are not stupid, and will kindly compensate for your pitiful lack of reflexes.

Moving your dragon up or down works on much the same principle as steering- to dive, lean down, to climb, pull up. I have said this before- if you're a beginner, please don't try anything fancy. It would be rather embarrassing if you tried rolling your dragon, and instead, just fell off. For the first few days, it would be smart to just practice the basics- up, down, left, and right.

For all you speed freaks out there, if you suddenly feel the urge to have your dragon break the sound barrier (an urge that, considering that Berk is a Viking colony, is fairly common,) lean forward. Your dragon will respond by flying faster, but please remember to have it slow down after a while. Dragons can be difficult to control once they get going, and though it would be extremely amusing to watch young Vikings fall off dragons moving faster than a lightning bolt, it would also be not-so-amusing when you break your spine, so please slow down.

Finally, when you land, you must also make sure that your dragon is moving slowly. The time needed to decelerate increases rapidly (by my calculations, it seems to be go up in squares) when speed goes up. Even if you're flying slowly by the time you're touching down, make sure that there is nothing in your dragon's way- dragons remove obstacles by running them over, and if that obstacle is a person that doesn't move out of the way fast enough, you may have manslaughter charges pressed against you. A clear path in front of your dragon is rather vital.

Dragons are the fastest modes of transportation Vikings have ever discovered. The potential for idiocy is staggering. For the love of Thor, use your common sense. When you're traveling at such high speeds, collision _hurts. _ I guarantee it.

Review, Please

KE=.5mv^2


	13. How to Fly: Part 2

How to Fly

Part 2

Complex Flight

So, I see that you've become cocky enough to attempt this. Good luck. Tricks like corkscrews and loop-the-loops require skill and dexterity, and if you don't possess enough of those two, you're a smear on the ground, which will greatly inconvenience your fellow Vikings, as they will have to clean you up.

Seriously, though, try not to die.

Dragons view flight as a means of transportation. Unless there is a clear and immediate need for pulling stunts, they see no reason why they should perform them. If there isn't a large degree of trust between the rider and the dragon, the dragon will think that the rider is tripping on some mushrooms when the rider prompts it to roll over in midair. To use an analogy, imagine if someone asked you to walk down the street via somersault. You would consider whoever asked you to do so crazy as well.

As such, _do not attempt_ tricks until you have owned your dragon for at least half a year. Regardless of the fact that you'll probably die, your dragon might not even respond to your attempts.

When you believe that your dragon trusts you enough so as not to think that you're insane, you can try to perform tricks. Note the use of the word "try." _Good luck _pulling out of steep dive on your first try. In tricks, timing is everything, reflexes are key, and, if you'll forgive the cliché, practice makes perfect. Start out slow, and start out _low to the ground_.

To perform most tricks, just use exaggerated versions of the basic movements. To do a corkscrew, simply lean harder to the left or right, to loop the loop, pull up faster. However, because tricks involve you spinning around in circles, it will be difficult to maintain orientation, and, additionally, your lunch. You must repeat tricks several times in order to become accustomed to the sensation that accompanies rolling around in circles five hundred feet above the ground. As I have said before- impact will _hurt_. I know that Vikings are supposed to feel brave and all, but please, realize this- _blunt impact force can kill you_. Have some common sense.

After you have repeated slow, drawn-out versions of common tricks, you can begin to speed it up. Have your dragon accelerate more before initiating the trick. Fly higher, because we all know that performing tricks five feet off the ground, though safe, is pretty lame. Perform tricks at a higher level and faster speed each day, and eventually they will become second nature.

Besides impressing your friends, tricks have some practical application as well. If you ever decide to accompany your dragon on a hunt, increased maneuverability will prove useful in providing dinner. If you're chased by a larger dragon, for whatever reason, being able to fly through a forest using a combination of corkscrews and loops will help you escape. And, Thor forbid, if another one of Green Death's species returns, we will need all the fancy fliers we can get.

And, of course, having kickass flying skills does indeed help get the girl.

Review, please.


	14. In Conclusion

In Conclusion

Well, it seems like the show is over, kids.

Before you toss this book into the pile of kindling, I want to emphasize one last thing. Dragons can behave like animals in many, many ways. They play like animals, they sound like animals, and they look like animals. The emotions and intelligence of a dragon is so human-like that it continues to astound me. Every time I remember the war between the dragons and the humans, I don't think of it as man vs. beast, I think of man vs. dragon- two civilizations at war. I hope that it never has to happen again.

You, as a dragon rider, have been tasked with the job to ensure that it _does not _have to happen again. It is _your _job to love your dragon, it is _your _job to understand your dragon, and it is _your _job to build a relationship with your dragon. This book showed you how you might do so. It is up to you to make the final decision, to blaze the final path.

And one more thing that I'd like to mention, that relates to you as well as your dragon. Hell, it relates to practically everything you know.

After you've flown on a dragon, consider this. You have just soared through the sky, something that we thought humans would never be able to do. You were carried by a magnificent beast, that only a couple years ago we were at war with. This dragon has let you ride it, when only years ago it would have killed you. Through your ride, you have seen the heavens themselves- you have become almost a _god_, soaring through the clouds. The world is unfolded beneath you. Dragons, because they enable this, are simply awesome.

It is for the aforementioned reasons why I am of the firm belief that there is one undeniable truth about this world. That dragons exist, that we humans were able to befriend them- they all point to one fact.

The world is just awesome. Cherish it. Have fun with your dragon, have fun with your friends, and when the party's on, remember to party _hard._

Have a nice life in this awesome world. And make sure your dragon's life is equally awesome as well.


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